I have been a vocal coach for over 20 years. In my opinion, a successful vocalist is made up of 49% technique and 51% confidence. That’s right, confidence owns the majority of the shares. I have witnessed student after student agonize over their fears that they don’t sound good, can’t hit that high note and/or aren’t improving fast enough. In the beginning, I thought my vocal prowess and positive attitude could just float on over to my students and absorb into their psyche. I used to say, “Don’t be silly! You’re doing great!” Maybe that sounds harmless, but I have since had some therapy of my own and I better understand the process of building confidence. These days, I reply, “Your feelings are normal and valid.” What’s actually silly is telling someone not to feel their feelings! You can’t fast forward through the thoughts and feelings you don’t like. We are a living, breathing, imperfect work in progress. To fix a problem we must work a problem. And before we work a problem, we must identify what the problem actually is.
Usually, a voice student believes their voice is the problem. However, I have come to understand that a vocal problem is usually a thinking problem. For example, if you think a note you’re about to sing is “high” or “one of my hard ones”, then your mind identifies that note as “scary” or “dangerous” and cues your body to brace for that note. Your shoulders tense up, your face changes, your neck pushes harder, your eyes look up in an effort to reach the note. (FYI it’s not up there!) Your fearfulness and negative perspective have outvoted your confidence. And now your body thinks it has unleashed your best body guards to “protect” your voice when actually it has created an obstacle course of tension that makes your high note much more difficult to sing than it should be. If you fail at that note, your fears are confirmed and you punish yourself. If you reach the note, you won’t like it and/or it will be painful. You’ll talk yourself out of trying again, for fear of hurting and disappointing yourself more.
It breaks my heart to see a student bully themselves during the process of learning better singing technique. I wish I could show them how they’ll feel and sound in just a few lessons. I wish I could fast forward through their doubts and fears, through the trials and errors. I hurt when they’re frustrated. I feel their anxiety. I understand the impatience. But I know that if they keep doing their homework on what we drill in class, if they stay aware of how they THINK about their notes and stay vigilant about leading with confidence rather than fear…The proof of concept will come. The trust in the process and the technique will come.
Overall, I use the power of perspective to melt away physical tension, in order to help one sing “free”. This achievement does not usually happen overnight, but when it does happen, a vocalist finds their “eureka” moment, when they can look back on all their hard work and courageous efforts and truly understand that working the problem was worth it to experience the freedom they have today. It’s usually much easier for them to trust the process from that special moment on.
I have often used the weight loss analogy with my voice students when trying to explain the value of trusting the process and having confidence in yourself every step of the way. I talk about doing all the right things and yet feeling impatient when the results aren’t obvious right away. It is easy to bully yourself into giving up on your goals if they aren’t achieved quickly for all the world to see. So let’s expand on this idea of fear vs confidence.
You may not be at war with your voice but most likely you have at some point been at war with your mirror. Raise your hand if you’ve ever looked in the mirror and thought horrible things about yourself. (I see youJ) Now imagine saying those horrible things to your sister, mother or best friend. I’ll wait…Go ahead, say it…What’s the matter?…Why are you making that scrunchy face?!…Are you telling me that you couldn’t possibly say something like that to your loved one? OK then, so why are you saying it to yourself?
Why are we the meanest and most unforgiving towards our own self? I discovered that my negative thinking was on auto pilot with no supervision. Imagine a toddler running around the house yelling, “MamaMamaMamaMamaMama…” with no end in sight. It felt kinda like that. Kinda like a vocalist crossing their fingers and hoping everything comes out alright (Insert scrunchy face here). That’s a big gamble if your only plan is avoidance, which is a plan of fear. I encourage you to instead face the mirror, take a breath and follow these steps.
Step #1: Let Me Explain:
Allow your first response to be truly heard by you with an open mind, rather than avoiding it. To work a problem, you must first know what it is. Sometimes a part of you that’s hurting needs to be heard before it can heal. Ask the kid what he’s thinking and he’ll stop yelling “MamaMamamamamamamama…”. Knowing what this fearful part of you is compelled to say will help you respond more specifically later.
Step #2: Work the Explanation:
Understand why this usually negative part of you is reacting the way it is. Ask yourself, “Why do I feel this way?” Usually, I can trace my negative thoughts or fears back to childhood, when I was first told that something about me wasn’t good enough, or that I was too much. Maybe you were bullied in school or mistreated on a date. Maybe you fell in love with the shape of a girl in a movie and couldn’t reconcile that you didn’t look like her. I encourage you to ask yourself: “Who am I comparing myself to?” Believe me, you can answer that.
Step #3: Be Kind:
When you have identified why you are being negative or scared, it’s time to be kind and compassionate to this part of you. Validate yourself as a human being who has imperfect thoughts that do not always represent the full truth of who you are and what you’re purpose is. Tell yourself that you are a work in progress. It is OK to feel your feelings. Tell yourself that fear is normal, but it won’t be in control anymore.
Step #4: Pep Talk:
It’s time for the part of you that represents your confidence to speak to your negativity and fear. Give yourself a pep talk! Now, before you tell me that you don’t know how to do that, let’s bring your sister/mother/best friend back into the mix. If you were speaking to her, what would you say? I’ll give you a few examples:
“I believe we are all created with beauty and purpose. And that doesn’t mean we are all supposed to look alike or be good at the same things.”
“When I look at you, I see a beautiful person, inside and out.”
“You are the only you in the whole world. Enjoy how unique you are!”
“Celebrate your strengths and work on your challenges, but remember nobody is perfect.”
“You are on a lifelong, imperfect journey. Love yourself, as you are today, every day. Don’t waste your life being your worst bully.”
“Think about how your body serves you each and every day. The ways you think, move, work, play, love. It’s great to challenge yourself to get stronger and healthier, but don’t forget to enjoy what you are capable of right now.”
I encourage you to choose the phrase or phrases above which best resonate within you (or make up your own if you are inspired to do so). Your confidence likes these words. Yes, YOU have confidence already! It’s possible that you just don’t let her speak often and therefore she is out of practice. So now is your chance to let her run around the house encouraging you day in and day out, with no end in sight! Remember to allow your confidence to speak kindly yet truthfully to your fear and negativity. Reason with yourself, using truth and love. If it’s good enough for your loved ones, it’s good enough for you.
Step #5: Thoughts Into Action:
In essence, you have just told yourself that you are worthwhile, lovable, capable…all true! Basically, “I am valuable and worth the effort.” So now it’s time to put your thoughts into acts of change. For some, emotional change happens first. However, it is common that those with low self-esteem must first go through the motions or will themselves into physical action before experiencing faith in the change. Just like my vocal students, I encourage you to trust the process even before you see the results.
In my case, willing myself to work out or stay physically busy is easier than being confident in my outer beauty. I go to the gym and walk the extra mile and work on my eating habits so that when I look in the mirror and want to bully myself, I can choose to close my eyes and do an internal body check. I recognize the strength of my body and how well it’s doing. I think about how I slept great last night, that my mind is clear and ready to work or that I made myself giggle at my own secret witty joke. (FYI I’m hilariousJ) I remove the outside image of my body as the deciding factor of my worth and I replace it with my innermost victories. When I’ve spoken these truths to my insecurities, I open my eyes and look back at the mirror and I see a stronger, more beautiful person than I did before. “I am valuable and worth the effort.”
Step #6: Repeat, Repeat, Repeat:
Daily renew your power of perspective to melt away the power of your fear, in order to help you live “free”. This achievement does not usually happen overnight, but when it does happen, you will arrive at your “eureka” moment, when you can look back on all your hard work and courageous efforts and truly understand that working the problem was worth it to experience the freedom you have today. I assure you that it will be much easier to trust the process from that special moment on.
Step #7: Trust the Process:
Stay compassionate towards the parts of you that are still afraid or still feel compelled to bully you from time to time. Instead of avoidance, acknowledge each part of you and what you need to get off your chest. Then show love and truth in response. Remember, as you build up your trust in what you’re capable of, those negative voices will not have as much to say over time. Don’t hold your breath that they’ll go away completely…but the better you love yourself, day to day, just as you are, exactly where you are on your journey, even when you fall short or make a mistake, the easier it becomes to live free from the fear of failure.
I watch my voice students prepare to take their first deep breath, open their throat, then FREEZE instead of relax and let go. They explain that they are afraid of what their effort will sound like. They are afraid to fail in front of me. I tell them that I’m not here to judge or criticize them. I am like a mechanic wanting to hear how the engine runs. I am here to meet them where they are, to work together to get rid of the stuff they don’t need, as well as to strengthen and build trust with the stuff they do need in order to sing free. I hear them, yet encourage them to take a leap of faith. “This is not cliff diving. It’s not life or death.” They relax a little, trusting we will be honest with each other, trusting I will support them the whole way, even with tough love if necessary.
I am encouraging you to find this type of interaction within yourself. Meet yourself in the middle and have those hard but loving conversations between fear and confidence. The big difference for you is that what I am encouraging you to do is actually a matter of life or death. You are thinking and speaking words of life to yourself, or words of death. It can be scary to take this leap of faith, to change your mind about yourself and step outside of the comfortable familiarity of self-bullying. But hear me: You owe yourself and your purpose more than a comfortable familiarity that slowly kills you. You are valuable and worth the effort of change. You are worth the leap.
I wish I could show you how you’ll be in a little while. I wish I could fast forward through your doubts and fears, through your trials and errors. I understand your impatience. But I know that if you keep drilling your new homework, if you stay aware of how you THINK about yourself and stay vigilant about leading with confidence rather than fear…The proof of concept will come.
One patient and compassionate breath at a time. Sing free and live free, strong and beautiful human!
Former Mouseketeer, Current Speaker & President of PCG Artist Development, Soon-To-Be-Author
Musings of a Career Kid 
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